As it is a year today since I had my pathetic little heart attack (if there can be such a thing), I thought I’d put finger to keyboard about my thoughts on a certain bullshit thing thats going around t’internet like a sawn-off broom handle in a convent (since 1999 – but such shit never dies due to Facetube/Buzzspace/Mybook/Youfeed whatever).
I’m not going to link to it, but its called “Cough CPR”, and the idea seems to be thus: Rhythmically coughing while having a heart attack will save your life. This is obviously horseshit. (I will, however link to the Snopes page about it: http://www.snopes.com/medical/homecure/coughcpr.asp).
Should you think you are having a heart attack, and you’re alone, you really have two options. I shall present them here, so you can choose which one you think is the right one.
| Option 1:
Sit down and have a cup of tea. Look on the internet about heart attacks. Go and have a dump*. Try and have a lie down, hoping the pain will go away. Have a smoke. Things are always better after a smoke. Look on the internet again. Have another cup of tea and a smoke. Realise that you can’t stand up properly. Ring NHS Direct and get kept talking while they sneakily send an ambulance to get you.
|
Option 2:
Ring the fucking emergency services right away!!!And don’t forget to grab your ‘phone and charger, otherwise you’ll be bored shitless. |
*Oddly, heart attacks bring on the feeling that you’re about to suffer from diarrhea. This is probably why a lot of people die on the khazi, and certainly why all toilets in hospitals have an emergency alarm nearby.
