As it is a year today since I had my pathetic little heart attack (if there can be such a thing), I thought I’d put finger to keyboard about my thoughts on a certain bullshit thing thats going around t’internet like a sawn-off broom handle in a convent (since 1999 – but such shit never dies due to Facetube/Buzzspace/Mybook/Youfeed whatever).
I’m not going to link to it, but its called “Cough CPR”, and the idea seems to be thus: Rhythmically coughing while having a heart attack will save your life. This is obviously horseshit. (I will, however link to the Snopes page about it: http://www.snopes.com/medical/homecure/coughcpr.asp).
Should you think you are having a heart attack, and you’re alone, you really have two options. I shall present them here, so you can choose which one you think is the right one.
Sit down and have a cup of tea.
Look on the internet about heart attacks.
Go and have a dump*.
Try and have a lie down, hoping the pain will go away.
Have a smoke. Things are always better after a smoke.
Look on the internet again.
Have another cup of tea and a smoke.
Realise that you can’t stand up properly.
Ring NHS Direct and get kept talking while they sneakily send an ambulance to get you.
Ring the fucking emergency services right away!!!
And don’t forget to grab your ‘phone and charger, otherwise you’ll be bored shitless.
*Oddly, heart attacks bring on the feeling that you’re about to suffer from diarrhea. This is probably why a lot of people die on the khazi, and certainly why all toilets in hospitals have an emergency alarm nearby.