Category Archives: Health

So you think you’re having a heart attack?

As it is five years today since I had my pathetic little heart attack (if there can be such a thing), I thought I’d put finger to keyboard about my thoughts on a certain bullshit thing thats going around t’internet like a sawn-off broom handle in a convent (since 1999 – but such shit never dies due to Facetube/Buzzspace/Mybook/Youfeed whatever).

I’m not going to link to it, but its called “Cough CPR”, and the idea seems to be thus: Rhythmically coughing while having a heart attack will save your life. This is obviously horseshit. (I will, however link to the Snopes page about it: http://www.snopes.com/medical/homecure/coughcpr.asp).

Should you think you are having a heart attack, and you’re alone, you really have two options. I shall present them here, so you can choose which one you think is the right one.

Option 1:Sit down and have a cup of tea.

Look on the internet about heart attacks.

Go and have a dump*.

Try and have a lie down, hoping the pain will go away.

Have a smoke. Things are always better after a smoke.

Look on the internet again.

Have another cup of tea and a smoke.

Realise that you can’t stand up properly.

Ring NHS Direct and get kept talking while they sneakily send an ambulance to get you.

 

 

Option 2:

Ring the fucking emergency services right away!!!

And don’t forget to grab your ‘phone and charger, otherwise you’ll be bored shitless.

*Oddly, heart attacks bring on the feeling that you’re about to suffer from diarrhea. This is probably why a lot of people die on the khazi, and certainly why all toilets in hospitals have an emergency alarm nearby.

Smoking in the UK – How the law screwed smokers, for the benefit of TAX

Remember back in the good old day, when tobacco was sold in 12.5g, 25g and 50g pouches, and cigarettes by the 10 or twenty?

Back in those great times, feckless dipshits with no will-power could happily buy a 12.5g pouch ar a 10 pack for the day, and if they ran out the chances are they were too idle to go out to the shops for more.

Then, on May 20th 2016, the dark times began. In the defiance of all logic, tobacco became restricted to 30g and 50g pouches, and fags to 20 packets. And all the branding was removed, meaning that the poor buggers working in shops couldn’t easily find the correct products – but thats another issue.

The “plan” behind this was to help cut down smoking, by what appeared to be attempting to price poor smokers out of the market. And as, statistically, more poor people smoke that rich people, it was destined to his the less affluent harder.

There was also supposed to be a knock-on effect with fewer smoking related diseases causeing less of a drain on the NHS (at a time when the same goverment were starting to strip the NHS base.

So now the weak-willed numpties are buying a minimum of 30g tobacco or 20 ciggies a day. And do you think that the remained will go unsmoked and held over? No of course it fucking won’t. Nicotine addicts, like any other addicts, will use what they have available.

Some from about a fiver a day to over a tenner a day.  Can you work out how much TAX on tobacco that comes to?

And the extra smoking causes and increase in diseases. Double Whammy!