Category Archives: Bullshit

Crackpot Brexit Theory

So now its time for my Crackpot Theory – which I formulated while having a crap.

Brexit will fail. Spectaculary. And this is why:

The Tories never wanted Brexit, but the Cambot put it in the manifesto because politicians will tell you any old shit to get votes and they didn’t really expect to win anyway.

Sudden shock, they win. Oh crap, we have to carry out one promise, so lets go ahead with the referendum, because nobody in their right mind will actually go for it.

Teresa May appears in a load of photos supporting “IN”.

Boris the Moron is appointed on “OUT” duties, as he is a total buffoon. Surely nobody could agree with that idiot.

Nobody takes this thing seriously, as those in power think that the public have some common sense.

Lies are told (Syria in the EU, £350 million, etc)

Euston, we have a problem. It seems after all that the British public are a bunch of jingoistic, gullible fuckwits.

Brexit wins by a tiny majority.

Cambot realises that as he was on the “IN” side he has to quit, so he makes a speech, wanders off making “do-de-doo” noises and has a wank.

Much butt-clenching terror within the party as everyone tries to not be leader. By now they are playing a game of pass-the-parcel, and the parcel contains a massive turd

Theresa May (Thatchbot 2.0) ends up with her hands covered in shit and realises that she has to come up with a way out of this.

There is no easy out on this. So now she has to adopt the “OUT” stance. She is commited to commiting economic suicide. And no, I’m not proud of that sentence.

Terms are invented. “Red White and Blue” seems to become a way to describe something other than a flag, and a very good Blues band see their website hit counter go mental.

Bound to Execute Order 66 (or whatever), she does the only thing she can to derail things. She puts fuckwits in charge.

Its a well know practice that if you want something to fail horribly, then you assign the task of sorting it out to complete blithering idiots.

And that is where we are now.

No plan, idiots in charge, an absolute disaster.

An easy out. If its all fucked, we can pull the “didn’t mean it after all card” and actually get back to the business of selling stuff to Europe again.

Well apart from France. Don’t start me on the French Protectionist policy. Just go look up the SCART socket for more details about that.

Yes I said I came up with this on the shitter. No, I wasn’t feeling well that day.

Facebook App Privacy Concerns Are Bullshit

There seems to be a lot of kerfuffle and whatnot about the privacy concerns of the Facebook Messenger App on Android phones going on at the moment. Mainly it seems to be fuelled by this piece of shitehawk “journalism” by the Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sam-fiorella/the-insidiousness-of-face_b_4365645.html

Please bear in mind that The Huffington Post is owned by AOL, who have a long-standing mardy about Facebook.

So, what are the concerns? Well allegedly Facebook can spy on you constantly, use your phone to send text messages and make calls, yada yada yada be evil. Here is a screencap of the entire list (from that site – taken 13/01/2015)

hufpoand

Notice how it is in text format, and not a screencap. Now, there is a screencap of the current permissions (actually its two screencaps stitched together…

full perm list

Should you be scared that it can access your microphone and camera?

Firstly, due to the way Android handles permissions, you have to allow access to things all the time for an App to work. iOS does it differently, only requesting access as and when it is needed.  So on an Android device you have to agree in advance to let it use your camera, but on an iPhone you can opt to use the App but not let it access the camera. I know which model is better, but I am never, ever, EVER going to make any public statement that I agree with anything that Apple have done. Blame Bono for that.

Secondly, do you really know what all those permissions mean? No? Well I’m going to tell you. With pictures. Try not to fall asleep at the back!

Starting at the top…

huff1

  • “directly call phone numbers” – well you know that bit in the App where you can telephone people? Have a guess why it needs to do this.
  • “read phone status and identity” – well the two come bundled together. It has to know about your phone and whether ot not you are on a call or not just so that it doesn’t fire up and bombard you with voice calls from Dickhead Dave while you are trying to order a pizza.

huff2

I’ll lump all the above into one. The app (yeah bollocks to capitalisation now) allows you to send and revieve SMS/MMS messages. So it needs to be allowed to do just that.

huff3

You know how you want to do that chatty with live video and sound? Just try to work out why the app needs to use your camera and microphone.

huff4

Just like Facebook posts, messages say where you are. If you don’t like it, turn Locations off in your device settings.

huff5

You want to contact people don’t you? No? Oh just delete the app, get rid of Facebook entirely, and go and live in a cave. You could always use Google+.

Hang on, why does it read the call log? Maybe, just maybe, its so that when you start a new conversation it will prioritise those contact’s names in the list as you ham-fistly bash at the screen with your knuckle trying to spell N I C K.

huff6Really, have a guess on this one. Did you go with “so it knows who I am”? Yes? Well you’re not having a prize.

huff7

Want to save that pic of a dog in Darth Vader costume that Alan The Muppet just sent you? Well you’ll need this.

The same goes for if you want to send your home-made pornographic version of “The Wrong Trousers” to someone.

huff8

Do you want to connect Facebook to your Twitter, Instagram, Swarm, etc accounts?

huff9Right… so here we go…

  • “change network connectivity” – this basically allows the app to determine if you actually have a valid connection or not. Its a badly worded phrase in the Android permissions list really. Panic Not.
  • “download files without notifications” – Do you really want to have to agree to see every picture that you are sent?
  • “full network access” – It is a communications app. It will need it.
  • “receive data from internet” – How do you think message are received.
  • “view network connections/ view Wi-Fi connections” – bundled in with the above “change network connectivity”

huff10

Can we guess this one?

huff11

This is just so that Chatheads can piss you off by floating on your screen in the most inconvenient place possible.

huff12

  • “control vibration” – buzz your phone if it is on silent
  • “prevent tablet from sleeping” – keep the screen turned on if the app is active
  • “change your audio settings” – actually is should be called “check your audio settings”. It is used to determine whether your device buzzes or bings.

huff13

Well it does need to know if the contacts list is synced and up to date or not.

huff14

“install shortcuts” allows the app to put those really annoying “Chatheads” on your home screen,

and finally…

“send sticky broadcast” – this is where it all gets a bit complicated.

A “sticky broadcast” is a parcel of information concerning your identity, location. recent activity, blood pressure, IQ, heart rate, and whether or not you smell of almonds. It is broadcast to the CIA, MI5, Mossad, WASP, Interpol and the ISPF.

Or, it could just be a method of inter-process communtication.

So thats that. Nothing sinster going on at all. Whats more sinister is that Google track your every move and action, that you’ve agreed to this, and furthermore seem quite happy about it.

 

How to run a massive train set

Little Robbie wants to play with a train. Robbie doesn’t have any track, and isn’t allowed to build any.

Robbie has to ask Brian, who owns the track, if he can play on it.

Brian then asks Oswald if Robbie can play. Oswald asks Robbie, and all his other friends who want to play, to give him money.

Oswald then decides, based on the money he’s been given, if the children have played before,  if they played efficiently, or if they are best mates, who gets to play with the train set.

Assuming that Robbie and Oswald can agree to play together, Robbie still has the problem that he doesn’t have any trains to play with.

So Robbie turns to Andrew, David, Nigel and Frankie. Any of them can get him trains to play with, which they bought from Barney’s dad a few years ago on a car boot sale, for next to nothing. Everything is a bit broken, but will work for a while. But they won’t sell them, they’ll only rent them to him. And only if Oswald agrees.

Or, and only if Oswald agrees, Robbie could get one of the lads to get him some new trains. Hans and Mario and will build them, if Oswald gives them the money.

So Robbie rents some trains from one of the lads. Some are the new ones that don’t work properly and some are the reliable old warhorses.

Robbie now has a train to play with, some track to play on.

Sadly, Robbie can’t play with his trains whenever he wants to.  Oswald tells him when he has to play and which trains he can play with at which times.

Robbie tries his best.

If a lot of the trains that Oswald acquired for him, either the slightly broken ones or the new unreliable ones stop working, good old Ozzy will blame it all on Robbie.

Robbie will be told he can’t play on the train set anymore. All Robbie’s time will be given to Terry.

Terry has only played with toy buses before. It all goes downhill from there.

Cats are Evil – Official Proof!

 

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Cats, as we know, are evil. The vile little balls of fluff are a menace. I have proof!

Consider thus:

To look after a cat, you require both time and money.

cateq1Where C is the cat, T is the time and M is the money.

Now, remember the old adage that “Time is Money”.  This gives us this:

cateq2

But money, get away, is the root of all evil or so they say. So let E be Evil.

cateq3

Thus, it’s no surprise, that:

cateq4

Cat = Evil. Mathematics tells us so.

thumb.evilcats1big

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